Stephen's Sound Advice
This article is about the Sound Advice segment from The Colbert Report. For Wikiality's.com's Sound Advice (our Peer Review process), click here Stephen's Sound Advice On Reducing Fuel Costs Gas prices are at record highs, so what can you do? *Public Transportation. Get friends and family to use it so the roads are clear for you. If you do get caught in traffic, use the shoulder. That's why it's there. *No Air Conditioner. Instead, put the top down on your convertible. *Find Gas Stations With Cheap Gas. Natrona County, Wyoming has quite a few. *Carpool. Get a group of friends together and buy a car carrier. *Avoid Alternative Fuels. Pouring creamed corn in your tank doesn't work. *Buy Oil Company Stock. Filling up your tank is like paying yourself. Why not buy a Hummer with your profits. *Pray. On Avoiding Wildfires Wildfires are a summer tradition, not unlike the Northern Lights, only in the Southwest and on the ground. *Stop wildfires before they start: Eliminate the fuel source by cutting down trees. This also eliminates pests, like termites, woodpeckers and druids. *9 of 10 fires are started by people, so stay away from people. *Stay away from wildfire danger zones by moving to green areas on the map. On Avoiding Floods *If you're moving to avoid wildfires, make sure you don't move to a flood zone. For Surviving The Winter Blues According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, half a million people are affected by S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here's Stephen's advice to turn that frown upside down: *Participate in winter sports like cross country skiing. It's all the excitement of walking in deep snow, but with expensive equipment! *Remind yourself that God created snow to break our fall when we pitch ourselves off the roof at the thought of facing the endless dreary grey deathscape of midwinter. *Boost your serotonin levels with the simulated sunlight of light box therapy. *Take a trip - Stephen likes to visit his villa in Cabo San Cabo, but if you don't have a villa and are looking for warm weather - why not go to Iraq? Meals and entertainment are comped! And remember, P.T.S.D. cancels out S.A.D. *Wait a few years - Global Warming will wash that depression away! Avoiding Humiliation On The Campaign Trail *Appearance Matters: STOP SWEATING. Have your glands surgically removed on roll on Ban Roll-On all over your body. *Grooming Counts: Neck beards make you unelectable, unless you're John Edwards *Dress For Success: Don't wear tanks, like George Dukakis did. *Stand Up Straight: Don't lean too far or you'll end up looking like Bob Dole, Gary Bauer or Juan Gabriel *Disclose Drug Use: Admit to your indiscretions in college, or your current elected office - in fact, try embellishing it. *Be Selective: Only appear on shows with strong, charismatic hosts How To Win A Contested Convention Special Edition: Karl's Stephen's Sound Advice * control the convention mechanism ** When you control the rules, you almost never lose * watch the platform ** make compromises * have a strategy to win * focus on staging ** make the spectal personal * stick to your guns How To Find A Summer Job ** Check The Classifieds ** make your own ad ** Always Appear Professional *** Stephen was also a lifeguard *** dress for the job you want *** resume too **** Imitation is the sincerest form of identity theft * Lower expectations * Try An Internship * No such thing as a bad job... See Also *Smokey The Bear *Smokey The Dolphin *Drowney The Bear